WHY do BDSM folk (some) act as do?

[zippy 1 duh]

Yes that makes sense Latty, its rather like a mind set in 12 step programs, you instantly KNOW someone, know when they are hurting mentally, what they need be it gentle handling or if mucking around and risking another drink/drug whatever ........ you dont JUDGE as you have been there and can be anytime.

   Same as CP (I cant talk about BDSM as have never been there ) , we all have common needs, but theres a unconditional element , whether play or serious , a cerebral need , something in the psychy .You cant as in ANY aspect of life expect to like or be liked by everyone.....diffeent personalities clash, BUT I BET (as have found this last week , having had messages of concern , emails, online exchanges), folk are willing to listen , phone calls, YET Joe public think we are weird.......... tho have to say, the people I have recently and earlier on, "come out to " have NOT rejected me. Laughed but NOT AT me, WITH me and there lies the difference . 2 sons , havent spoken to middle one as not a phone conversation topic, but Mk3 son said ,when I asked what Mk2 thought, "SAME as me mum, so long as your SAFE, HAPPY, and have friends you trust, GO FOR IT! you deserve a life of your own !"

[bummer]

i somehow feel what zips was talking about at the start isnt necessarily bdsm related, i do have such experience though not in such a relationship at the present, however nowhere does it say tht EVERYONE should use sir or whatever to every dom, that has nothing to do with their status, true doms know exactly whom they are and dont need such stuff,

take other examples of folks that zips has met, the wax lady though not sure whether she classes herself as such would never expect everyone to adrress her other than with the name we all know her by, there were other male doms at the party, but you would never know, well maybe with the exception of cosmic, but again he does not expect everyone to call him sir or whatever, and having spoken to him in the past he is very polite

i feel when these folks are shouting for others to call them sir or "respect" them then they are insecure within themselves, the vast majority of  dom/sub couples do not need the whole wide world to "look at them" and the dynamics sometimes are often very subtle in public as is the control

[zippy 1 duh]

Thanks bummer, yes can understand all that, and agree, yes "wax lady " is just as she is and Cosmic, was super at he party, answererd questions, thoroughly, no "attitude", a guy comfortable in own skin , thoroughly during demo and after. Dopey here didnt even think "a BDSMer!" didnt occur to me. Thats how relaxed the whole thing was with his demo........... cheers xx

[Burning Bot]

I thoroughly agree with you Bummer (I was going to say 'smack on' then wondered if it were appropriate !!) - those who DEMAND they be called 'Sir' or 'Madam' or 'Mistress' or whatever are often insecure in themselves and NEED that show of "respect" ; the tragedy is that, even when they get it, they don't realise that such respect is given grudgingly and is not in fact genuine.

I would never dream of calling my tops, Misses Christine and Kitty, anything but "Miss" (or "Headmistress as appropriate) whilst in play but I made it clear on my first visit that I would NEVER call either of them 'Mistress' - it's just something I would not feel comfortable with, in or out of play. This doesn't mean that we have not built up an excellent rapprt, and that I do not respect them for being able to perform their tasks both efficiently and responsibly ; it's just me. 'Master' and 'Mistress' mean something to me and I will never acknowledge anybody as that in my life, even in play.

Some time back when I was a Referees Assessor I watched a young man who was having trouble in controlling his games ; he had found it neccesary to abandon three in less than 6 months for disciplinary reasons (I abandoned just one for that reason in my whole active career of over 30 years). He whined to me that the trouble was that the players "showed him no respect". I pointed out that they might if he stopped demanding it and simply did his job. He was very insecure. I worked with him quite a lot and he later achieved rapid promotion and nowadays officiates at quite high non-league standard, where he is well known, liked and respected - and I'm proud that he credits me with the turn-around. However, as I taught him, respect must be earnt - and the same goes for anybody in a senior position to another.

Whether we are into mild CP or heavy BDSM, the demands on one another must come from a mutual respect and trust ; unfortunately all too often a person assumes that, because (s)he has the respect and subservience of one person (their regular partner), everybody else will automatically show that same subservience. Merely because a 'bottom' (sub, slave whatever) is willing to accept the Top's (Master/Mistress, etc.) edicts and instructions without question does not mean that the Top will be able to elicit the same subservience fro anybody they come across at a party - as certain people found out with Zippy at the last meeting !

Take for instance the scenario that Miss C (my 'Headmistress') turned up at Miss Foxxx's next meeting ; upon seeing me she may immediately instruct me to get changed into my school uniform and get ready for a caning and I would (almost certainly) rush to obey. However, the same instruction to me by one of the other Tops present may not get the same reaction ; I don't know them ; I don't know if I can trust them ; do I obey them or what ? Obviously, it may be that I DO trust them - or someone I know and trust like Mikey/Zippy/Bummer does and vouches for them; that's fine, but if that is not the case, why should I obey ? Merely because thay are the sort of Top that is used to having their word obeyed by their REGULAR partner(s) ? Not good enough, in my book - but please note that this is NOT disrespect, it is caution.

Respect is something that CANNOT be demanded ; it must be earnt. One may show respect for another's position in the first place, but very soon in a relationship the senior party must show sufficient regard for the junior to allow the junior to respect and trust, and the same applies the other way ; in our scene the Top must be able to trust the Bottom to accept the treatment (whether it be CP, bondage, or psychological control) that they have agreed to take, knowing that they wil not 'wimp out' unneccesarily.

[zippy 1 duh]

Not all Mistress" expect or demand.  and am sure many Masters, dont either. "Mistress/Aunty Rose" for 1 , outside of Cp play/punishment & during PUNISHMENT, shes lucky to get more than "Argh pphhuutt um 5 ,er where am I ?" . M.Cosmic told me his 1st name and me ,mine......... one Dom who used to demand I called him SIR, got "When hell freezes over !" and a poked out tongue, but hed been rude to me !  NOW however, its sorted, and I was able to ask him if he would help carry me in chair down the stairs....... calling him by 1st name, and he me by mine..... its fine now, I accept him as he is and obviously he does me...... I trusted him on those stairs and the other 2 lovely guys,both who played with me during the day.

    ME not subservient BB2 ,    , If M.R or H have a certain look ,and a WOBD in hand Im pretty well behaved ,give or take the odd expletive.......or breathe taken away mutter................  "What did you say ?"   "you heard !"  WACK!!  OOOOWWW!!! 
 
   Im me, I cant be anyone else, the scatty, the serious, all aspects.......the plain stonking BONKERS and mashed head at the moment..... 

  I dont a fig or worry about calling someone Mistress/Miss  wot ever, tis just a name............BUT just proves Im not nor ever will be more than a CPer !!
In role play or real play, back to them little BOXES again I guess !  At the end of the day, its about trust and friendship and I realise how lucky I am to have made so many friends and meet new folk who understand me, or at least TRY ..... They are  the ones who matter to me!

[zippy 1 duh]

Oh I forgot to say , had another VW  session at Sats Party .  A guy was doing a demo ...... with one . A friend who has now used her VW on me said "Ask him to  use his , try another person and method maybe !"  Answer  "Nope ta , I dont know him, he does not know me ,but you & I do know each other , I couldnt relax with him ..."

 Now dont ask me why , but something held me back ,   so  W  got hers out and the magic ..... (could do with it now--have flaing sciatica , like flames are shooting out of my foot , yes the foot I cant /dont have much feeling in!